Burning underneath the magnifying glass
or rather, the fear of being perceived
per·ceive
/pərˈsēv/
become aware or conscious of (something); come to realize or understand.
interpret or look on (someone or something) in a particular way; regard as.
(source: Google)
Isn’t it funny how the word perceive can mean two wildly different things? The first definition is internal— you finally know the truth. The second is external— you are assuming something about someone or something else. And it is that second one that my fear grows from.
I read recently in one of my favorite poets newsletter, Joy Sullivan’s Necessary Salt, that said:
“In order to endure as an artist, you must commit to being misunderstood, even though no one warns you how painful that is.”
I have spent an inordinate amount of time ensuring, pleading, for people to understand me. As a female enneagram 8 (also known as The Challenger), my life has been littered with people telling me I am too much. Too strong. Too aggressive. I have a *big* personality they’d say, which we all know is code word for bitch.
Over the years it wore on me. I couldn’t change—honestly, I didn’t want to. But what I could do was make sure people were prepared for me. I opened conversations with, I’m a lot, or made qualifiers of my intentions with I only ever want the best so if it’s not coming across that way please let me know. And it worked. Even if they didn’t like me, people began accepting me. Understanding me. And that’s all I needed. For them to know my heart was good.
But you can’t do that to an entire world of strangers.
Which is why this struck a chord so deeply with me because I knew upon reading it that my time being delusionally understood was running out. Is running out.
Another writing friend and I were having a chat about The Truths We Make as it gets ready to enter the world and they said,
“you know someone is going to call your writing pretentious. You quote Thoreau for fucks sake.”
We laughed because it’s true. I smiled because I knew this person enjoyed the juxtaposition of my love of both Tessa Bailey and Ayn Rand. But when my smile dimmed, I realized that this wouldn’t be a joke for readers. Some of them were going to think a whole dictionary's worth of things about my book, even if I believed they missed the point. Even if I thought they’d made judgments without all the facts.
And I would just have to be OK with that. End of.
To be a writer, a good writer, I have to push the lines of my own understanding and not fear the masses for a lack of theirs about me. That’s the perception I need to have about being perceived.
That’s the cost of giving your art to the world. And it’s fucking terrifying.
Although, right now, I’m still learning, I feel I’m as ready as I’ll ever be for it. So, if you too worry, all I’m here to say is good. You’re supposed to. Because if you don’t think that someone is going to misjudge you or that they’re going to tear you to pieces even if everything they say is wrong, you are in for a rude awakening. Because there is no such thing as a single, universal, lived experience.
There is no such thing as “safe” writing.
All you can do is say what you need to, what will make you understand yourself better, and let it be enough.
Because the truth is: it is.
The Truths We Make news
On the novel front, I received this amazing character art of Oliver & Eve done by the indescribable maeowl (on IG).
Just look at the angst in their faces (that brow bend on Eve! the not letting go from Oliver! UGH) the quote was pulled and picked by the artist herself and I just cannot believe how perfectly she’s captured this scene.
I have also opened up my ARC signups, which you can find here.
We are a little over 2 months away from publishing! I should have the cover in approx. 15 days and then we are off to the races on pre-orders!
Thank you to everyone who has signed up, joined my street team, or shared on their social pages! I really appreciate all your support.
things i’m loving
Persuasion (Netflix)
I know this has been out for awhile and I’ve seen it so many times, but lately, it’s been a comfort movie for me. I’ve been reaching for it while doing other things to play softly in the background and it has been so soothing and well-filling.
I am specifically obsessed with the haunting, beautiful melody of the end scene music, which is Quietly Yours by Birdy.
Paterson (Amazon Prime)
Another movie I’m loving (because I’ve been in a film-heavy mood lately). Paterson is quiet, character-driven, and at times stilted in its approach. Adam Driver is one of those actors who I will watch everything he does, even when it’s weird or wildly outside of my norm because he, himself, is interesting. This is no exception. A bus driver poet who lives his daily life where the scenes are often told in verse. You’re going to ask yourself why am I watching this several times, but by the end of this I felt comforted by the cinematic experience of the mundane.
Baja Mac n Cheese
This is probably going to get me some hate mail BUT I’m learning to let go so, to hell with it!
Some of you may or may not know that I have OCD. One of the wonderful quirks of this is that I can become enamored with a single type of food, that of which I will eat continuously for every meal if I’m allowed, until one day I never want to see it again. Currently, that food is baja mac n cheese.
What is baja mac n cheese you might ask? Well, let me just change your life.
First, you’re going to take boxed mac n cheese (I use the Annie’s Organic Cheddar one but use whatever you like). Prepare this as intended (although I don’t keep milk in my house so I use only a dash of sweet cream creamer instead). Chop up and pan crisp some chicken sausage (I use TJ’s apple chicken sausage or you can omit for vegitarian). Then you’re going to finely dice up red onion, avocado, tomato, and if you’re feeling crazy cilantro. Add your meat & diced products to your mac n cheese bowl and VIOLA! Baja mac n cheese.
You are welcome!
Forget Me Not by Julie Soto
I finished this in a single night. Did I sleep? No. Am I mad about it? Absolutely not. Elliot Bloom is definitely in my top 10 bookboyfriends list. I also want to say that this might be a comp for TTWM (although that may also be wishful thinking). The story is told in dual POV, dual timeline and to say that I could not get enough is an understatement.
No one talk to me unless you have 6 rare or extinct flowers tattooed on you for the foreseeable future (JK! Kind of?).
That’s all for now, but I’ll see you in your inboxes soon!